


Freakshow

by kindaeccentric



Category: Thor (Movies)
Genre: Alternate Universe - 1960s, Alternate Universe - Circus, Canon Related, Intersex Loki (Marvel), Kinda, M/M, Moral Dilemmas, Period Typical Attitudes, Period-Typical Homophobia, Pseudo-Incest, medical issues are borderline impossible but I'm aware, more tags for next chapters
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-04-07
Updated: 2018-04-07
Packaged: 2019-04-19 19:10:03
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 10,518
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14243871
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kindaeccentric/pseuds/kindaeccentric
Summary: Thor and Loki are the sons of Odin, the proud owner of a popular circus. One day they discover the feelings they have for each other are not only brotherly, which creates an avalanche of problems, but uncovers all the long kept family secrets.





	Freakshow

It’s all an act. A circus act in fact. Yet, Thor is afraid of his brother, of the anger in him. Loki is playing with his knives like he’s getting ready to commit a murder and call it an accident in a workplace and the audience is delighted. Thor observed Loki over the years, and knew his anger was igniting slowly, like a fire from a smoldering piece of coal inside of the small furnace that used to heat them up on long winter days when they were still little. The fire could consume even him. Loki is unreadable. Thor can't tell what he feels in this moment, but actually, he never truly knew what he feels. All he used to know was, that he trusted him against the better judgment of others all his life and that he loved him and that's actually why he ended up strapped to a knife-throwing wheel as a human target. That is, the opposite of a target. If all ends well.

Loki never misses.

 

* * *

 

 

Or at least he never did a few years back when the circus was in its prime and didn't have to put human life at risk to attract the crowd. Back then they just recently stopped performing in their double act, because they just stepped into their adulthood, and both had successful acts on their own.

Thor used to be a strongman, he was good at lifting, bending and breaking things. He would go to the crowd between other performers’ acts, bend small metal objects right there under people’s noses and talk to them, fishing for tips or donations. Outside the big tent stood a high striker and only Thor could ever hit the hammer strong enough to make the bell fully ring, but there was a whole lot of men who were willing to pay and try to beat him.

Loki became an illusionist and had to keep the stage persona intact, so he didn't let the audience too close. Within his act he incorporated all of his skills, including his amazing agility and knife throwing. He would always change some details for the next time, in case someone was seeing him more than once.

As for their father and mother, he was still owning the circus and training lions and she was still his faithful assistant and had her act with talking parrots. Thor always admired Odin, but Loki could tell Frigga is actually the one who takes the bigger risk, staying closer to the animals. She was always calm and it helped the lions be calmer as well. It was also clear that the birds grew fond of her.

They had audience every night. Sometimes much smaller, but always enough to stay in business without debts and to buy new props, costumes and food. Life was good back then.

Thor and Loki were close. As the sons of the owner it was clear that one day the business will be inherited by one of them, but the rivalry between the brother was never violent. They were adults, but compared to the rest of the crew still very young, the youngest in fact, and spent most time with each other even though their interests started to vary greatly.

When they pitched their tents by a bigger town Thor wanted to start going out, but father didn't allow him. He didn't say it out loud, because technically Thor could decide for himself, but always found an excuse to keep him occupied. Thor charmed the women who came to the shows, but only managed to kiss one before she run away called by her mother. He got caught sneaking in or out of his trailer more than once. Each time he heard the same reprimand.

‘These girls see you as a seasonal sensation, my son. They have life designed by their suburban societies and there is no place in it for you. If their fathers saw you or one of the girls ended up pregnant you would put as all in trouble,’ the father used to say.

There were women in circus and he even dated the trapeze swinger, Sif, but the atmosphere after the breakup was tense and he promised to himself to never date a fellow performer again. It actually seemed like he was just messing around, testing the waters, collecting experience out of internal sense of duty. As a man, he was expected to be this way.

Loki never wanted to mingle with the inhabitant of the towns they visited. He was far more reserved and dignified, so it didn't suit him to be treated as merely a circus fraud, a trickster. Nobody really cared if he was being weird by staying out of relationships altogether. He was intimidating and a perfectionist. It didn't mean he enjoyed living in confinement. He listened to Thor vent about his frustrations, every now and then adding a snarky comment. One evenings they were sitting outside, in some significant distance from the camp, by a fire, sharing a blanket and Thor started his talk again. The summer was ending in that place, so they had to move south soon.

‘I feel separated from the rest of the world, always in move.’

‘At least you are in your prime. People adore you,’ joked Loki and Thor chuckled.

‘They adore you as well.’

‘No, they are intrigued, but they don't want me. You are the prince charming they actually like.’

Loki continued playfully taunting his brother, but Thor became quite serious looking him in the eyes.

‘Why do you say this? I think you are absolutely astonishing. Madly talented. And elegant… and lean…’

The compliment was completely unexpected and Loki turned his head away, hoping his brother won't see how it affects him. Thor pinched him playfully in the arm.

 ‘Like a cat.’

 That made Loki actually smile and he hit Thor in the leg and became quite silent for a moment before actually speaking his mind.

‘I feel rather like father’s lions sometimes.’

‘He loves them.’

‘Do you think they see it the same way? They are not supposed to be here. They are caged and he trains them, they have to obey against their nature. They are only as good as the tricks they make. When he comes back after feeding them he plays with Tito. The dog is the one animal he actually loves.’

‘Well, I can't speak for our father, but I prefer the lions. I would release them if it would make you happy.’

Thor could tell, that Loki is blushing, at least internally, because in the surrounding half-darkness he wouldn't be able to see. Not that the pale skin ever really changed its coloring.

‘No, don't do that. They wouldn't survive on their own. They would start hunting cattle and someone might kill them. And without others of their kind, they would be really lonely.’

Thor gently put a hand on his brother’s cheek and caressed it with his thumb. He leaned in, pressed his forehead to Loki’s and whispered softly, ‘I don't want you to feel lonely like those lions. If anything, I’ll be a lion with you to keep you company.’

A cold hand touched his. Loki had such cold, but beautiful hands and Thor, like always, took them between his to warm them up. Their lips were really close and Loki smelled of the snacks they were selling to the audience earlier, the strongest were scents of caramel corn and cinnamon candy. He mindlessly pressed his lips to his, expecting to find there the taste as well, stupidly, impulsively. Loki didn't back away and just allowed it. He tasted of cigarettes he was regularly stealing from crew members, because he kept saying buying his own pack would make him a smoker, not sweets, but Thor didn't mind. The kiss was short and chaste, almost innocent. Almost just a kiss a mother would place on the lips of her small children. Yet, that almost was enough to make them both see each other in a different way. Loki chuckled, unsure of what it meant and his brother just looked at him intensively. It started to feel awkward, but Thor didn't let go of his hands.

‘You never kissed anyone, did you?’

‘Well… now I did.’

‘Oh. I'm sorry. I stole your first kiss, how shameful of me.’

‘Your whole life is filled with shame, my stupid brother. Just don't walk around kissing other men. You would be put in jail for being a freak.’

They both laughed it off. They had to touch each other nonstop when they had a double act, it didn't seem that different. However, now they were adults, not just two extraordinary teenagers and it was different.

They stayed there a while more before coming back. The father found out. Someone saw them and told him. He slapped both of them, not hard, but enough to hurt, and explained, that he means well by making them aware how improper they behaved. They felt humiliated.

Thor didn't dare to look at his brother until next day when Frigga asked them both to help her with feeding her parrots. She didn't really need help, it was just an excuse to get them together in the same room. Loki looked sullen and Thor angry, but when one of the parrots screeched out ‘easy, brother’ they both finally smiled. It was their go to catchphrase.

Thor observed Loki through the metal bars of the big cages. He didn't slick back his hair that day, it was messy and soft and his eyes looked sad. Thor desperately wanted to comfort him.

Frigga wasn't blind or stupid. She always knew these two will have a special bond. She didn't condemn them in her heart for anything they did for or to each other throughout the years. Loki was a fickle thing, with moods changing rapidly. He had a certain amount of pride and brashness that would manifest itself when he felt safe and confident, which meant mostly around Thor. Around father he was always proper, he wanted to be perceived as the calm, collected and responsible one to impress Odin, even if he had to fake it.

Thor on the other hand never tried as hard as Loki. He knew what father liked and did exactly that. Genuinely, but without really pushing himself. He was just as proud, but somehow more likeable with it. And he loved his brother immensely, dragging him around with his friends, even though they never grew to like him as much as they liked Thor, because he wanted him to feel included.

 Frigga caught Loki staring at Thor with longing when he wasn’t looking. He was rarely letting his guard down and kept his emotions from showing on his face like that. It was sad for her to know how jealous he will be of the whole world and lost when Thor starts to become his own man.

Soon Odin mentioned in the presence of the whole crew, that he plans to give the circus over to Thor when he retires. It wasn't official yet, but Loki could tell it had something to do with their latest incident. He felt like father blames him for ‘seducing’ his brother.

Later that day, in the evening, before the next show, Loki came to Thor’s trailer. He wasn’t dressed for the performance yet, but he was closing that night, so he still had time. Thor was nearly half-naked, wearing only animal print, very low cut, leotard, to show off his muscles for the crowd. Loki always thought it looked ridiculous, but didn't make any nasty comment this time, which, paired with his overall seriousness, immediately worried Thor.

‘What is it?’

Loki didn't answer and instead came as close as possible and nuzzled up to him. It wasn't really like him, it was a different kind of touch, than a normal hug, but it felt rude to shove him off himself, so Thor just embraced him.

‘Congratulations. You won, the circus will be yours.’

His brother’s warm breath on Thor’s skin was giving him chills and he almost jumped when he felt a hand on his chest.

‘Loki…’, he said without really being sure what he wants to say or do, but his brother’s face was right there, his eyes piercing him through, his wicked little smile back on, like he just pulled a very good magic trick and Thor kissed him, not letting him out of his arms. He felt Loki’s own body push onto him and it seemed he was surprised by the sudden action, but not by the act itself. They both knew he was really anticipating that moment and eager, like he couldn't get enough of the contact. Thor realized it was a terrible mistake the moment their lips parted. It was not just a peck, a brotherly kiss their father overreacted about. He searched for the same fear he felt himself in Loki’s eyes, but instead of finding that, he found himself wanting more. It was Loki who put their lips back together this time. Someone interrupted them just when Thor’s hand slid down to Loki’s hip by knocking on the door.

‘You have ten minutes! What are you doing there?!’, came the voice of Heimdall, their ringmaster. Somehow this man always knew everything what was happening in the circus.

Thor answered with some lousy excuse, but the moment was already destroyed. He let go of Loki, who became quite stunned.

‘I have to go soon. I… Fuck. Why did you come here?’

The question was not an accusation, more the expression of helplessness, but Loki visibly shuddered.

‘I should probably leave.’

Thor caught his hand before he got to the door and hugged him from behind. Loki was slightly tense, what just happened moved him more than he thought it would.

‘You know I love you, brother. Tell me you know that…’

‘I know you do.’

That night their respective acts fell rather flat. Thor wasn't as bright and bubbly as usual, and Loki was even more stolid.

The truth was, that ever since they were children Loki was rather insufferable. He was always very observant and used that against people for fun. His twisted sense of humor started to actually scare others the older he was getting. He once let a woman in the audience pull out a snake out of his hat instead of a fluffy bunny knowing full well she will be terrified, just because she dared to laugh at the joke about him earlier. Thor was always with him, as a brother and a friend, stubbornly loving him and not taking his mischievousness seriously. He was the only person to genuinely enjoy his presence.

Over the course of next week Loki was avoiding him and Thor respected that until it started to feel like punishment. He searched out Loki to talk to him. They were alone, this time behind Loki’s trailer, where nobody could see them from the side of the camp. It was a gloomy late afternoon. It looked like it was about to start raining at any moment, but the low sun shining through the clouds gave everything a strange, pinkish glow. Loki looked uncomfortable, like he didn't want to be there.

‘What is wrong, I barely see you. We live together here and I started to miss you, like you were in a different town at least. After that… after that kiss you act strange.’

‘Don't you understand why? Do I really have to explain it?’

‘Please do. I'm not as smart as you, go on.’

Loki hit him in the shoulder with an open hand. Not hard enough to push him, more to add some drama.

‘Stop being an asshole. We both know it wasn't a brotherly kiss’, he hissed out.

‘You came to me, remember? What did you want? Do you even know?’

‘I wanted to… have you for myself… for a moment. Before you would go out there and forget about me bewitched by the audience… Since when we were little I was your best friend and your playmate. And now you have all those other people… and...’

‘You feel neglected? Is it jealousy?’

‘What?’ Loki pretended to be confused, but that word hit the right spot and Thor grabbed his neck. The following silence said more than needed. Thor sighed looking at his brother’s open mouth ready to explain, but somehow remaining mute, and his watery eyes, although Loki would never cry in front of him.

‘Dear brother…’

They pressed their foreheads together and kissed gently. Before he knew it, Thor pushed Loki against the wall of the trailer. They were making out and the instant arousal got to their heads. Only when they were kissing and embracing each other they didn't feel the guilt, as soon as they would stop it would came back twice as terrible. So they tried not to let it happen and keep each other close for what felt like hours, but was more like several minutes. From time to time one of them cautiously looked around to check if they are still alone.

It started raining. First a few cold drops, but it quickly turned into a shower, up until they could no longer stay there and had to discreetly hide into Loki’s trailer. They continued there, soon moving to Loki’s bed, which was conveniently unfolded. Thor ended up on top of Loki, with his hand creeping into his pants. He was a bit nervous, having never touched another man intimately before, but Loki had zero experience, so Thor tried to be the more knowledgeable and competent one. Yet, he could not hide a surprise when he found something he didn't expect.

‘What…?’

Loki looked terrified. Thor froze, his hand unmoving, trying to avoid touching Loki’s genitals inside of his pants.

‘Loki, I'm sorry… it's just…’

Loki pushed him off himself and sat up. Thor kissed his shoulder through his shirt to console him and talk to him, although he himself didn't know what to think.

‘I… you are different down there. I don't know what it is, but it's not… Did you know you are different?’

Loki was unable to say a word. Surprisingly, he seemed dignified in his silence. They both could feel cold sweat down their backs.

‘I want you to leave me alone now. Please.’

Thor lingered, but Loki didn't answer to his touches and words supposed to comfort him. In a last attempt Thor kissed him once again, deep and hard with all his unspoken emotions, but not receiving any answer stormed outside into the rain. He was rather glad for how dark and cold it was, and how the water soaked him to the bone, because he didn't have to explain his disheveled state to anyone.

Thor could see how miserable his brother is. He himself felt like punched in the gut. It made him more reckless than usual, he even got into a fist fight with a guy whose girlfriend he allegedly tried to pull off. The breaking point came when they traveled south and in the town they stayed in was already another troupe, that took their usual camping place.

The younger part of the circus had never seen a real freak show, they thought they already belong in the past, together with Odin’s stories of them from when he was still a young man, but there it was, very much still alive, but just barely prospering. Thor and a few others were sent to negotiate, Loki came as well, from his own will. Maybe Thor would even succeed in convincing the freaks to share the space or just leave if he wasn't drunk and rude.

The father didn't know why he behaves such way, but postponed giving him the circus indefinitely. Loki saw them having an argument ending with angry Thor going to the bar in town. Odin decided they should find another place to stay and ordered to move to a village in a significant distance from there, one they’ve never been to, knowing full well Thor will be in town for at least two days, drinking and sobering up, so he wouldn't be able to find them immediately.

Loki could still see in his mind the freaks’ various deformities and his own brother insulting them, standing right next to him like he was normal, but he remembered he isn't. It made him pity Thor way less and brought him questions he needed answers to.

It was almost night the day they finally arrived, still had to wait until morning to pitch the big tents, so late enough for a visit to be unexpected. Loki sneaked in into Odin’s tent. His traveling one was smaller than the one he usually lived in, but still big enough to stand upright and for some furniture to fit in. He had a private case, which Loki knew was hidden under the bed, always locked and that’s where he started searching. He had to break the lock and when he opened it, it was just full of documents, of purchase, ownership, shares, but somewhere in between that he found his birth certificate.

 Odin came in and seeing the scene he sighed and sat in his favorite armchair they always had problems transporting, because of how big, heavy and antique it was and lit a cigarette. Loki didn't speak to him immediately, instead stood up with the document in hand and fidgeted with it.

‘Considering you already invited yourself in, would you mind sitting down as well?’

Loki didn't oblige.

‘Why did you send Thor as the negotiator to the freaks? Wouldn't I be more suitable?’

The strategic pause Loki made for dramatic effect didn't seem to go unnoticed, which only further terrified him.

‘…if anything, it was me who has the gift of speech. That’s my biggest value.’

‘You sound bitter, but you went with him, you could speak up.’

‘Could I? No. It was his performance, you were testing him as the leader.’

‘If you answer your own questions like this, what do you need me for?’

Loki looked at the man, that suddenly felt all the more emotionally distant and handed him his birth certificate. Odin didn't take it.

‘Who am I?’

‘My son.’

‘Son? Yours? Am I really either of those things?’

Odin remained silent, collecting his thoughts.

‘Is Frigga my mother, did she give birth to me?’

 ‘…she did not.’ Loki expected the answer, but still it hurt him.

‘You had to know one day I’ll realize. I’m not the same, you and Frigga knew. Tell me what is wrong with me.’

‘There's nothing wrong with you.’

‘That's not true and you know it. I remember the doctor. I remember everything that was done to me. I always knew I was different. Just tell me who I am! And what I am!’

Tears started forming in Loki’s eyes and he never looked equally desperate. What he read on the document stated he is a child of female gender of the manager of the freak show Odin was telling stories about, Laufey, known as the giant, and a man whose name was not telling him anything.

‘Laufey is the one who gave birth to you. He was born in a woman’s body, but he prefers to be seen as a freak for his height and tattoos and not for having female parts. Not even his freaks know about this. I only know, because I was there then, inside his freakshow, when the labor started in the middle of our fight. He didn't want the help of a midwife, he was too embarrassed and disgusted, he told me he’ll kill me if I tell anyone and I could easily believe it. I called for one anyway, but she was gone as soon as it was over. He never wanted you, nor did your second father, who was already married. I pretended to leave, but stayed. Out of curiosity maybe. When you finally were born, small and fragile, Laufey went and left you in the local church. And I took you. He doesn't know I followed him. Nor that it was me who took you. The doctor who first saw you said to me, that you're a girl, with some unusual disfigurement. He wanted to perform an operation on you, that was supposed to make you look like every other girl. But you were just a baby. It felt cruel, so I never let him do it. As you were growing up you started to say you're a boy and behave like one. I understood, that the doctor was wrong and searched out a different one. He examined you and said, that there is no need to perform any surgeries when you're fine and that you're what he called a hermaphrodite, partially both a man and a woman. You only needed a minor surgery later on to function without pain, but your body wasn't much altered, that’s all.’

 ‘Why have you never told me? Why did you take me? You hate freaks.’

‘I don't hate them. But they were always so proud. I always hoped our circus and Laufey’s show could perform together. It would benefit both of the acts.’

‘Perform together, but never merge, isn't it? Because people are scared of freaks. They call them monsters. That’s why no matter how much you claimed to love me, you always preferred Thor. You took me out of useless pity and deceived me all these years!’

Odin tried to stand up, but deflated suddenly back into the armchair, a hand clutching his chest. Loki called for help immediately, but later it was clear father had cardiac issues and would be bedridden until he calms down and his heart regains its stability.

Thor, on his ‘exile’ really got lost. On the second day he met a woman, Jane. She was not a circus performer, she was determined to achieve something in science's field and he liked that. She was like Loki with her ambition and intelligence, but much more straightforward and honest, so he thought he fell in love instantly. He didn't rush to find the circus, but in the end it was her, who pushed him to go. They had a really good connection and Thor promised to meet her again as soon as possible, but they both suspected it was unlikely. Their goodbye kiss was without any sense of guilt, sweet, more comfortable than all the other kisses Thor experienced. It was almost too easy to live with this girl.

When he got back the circus was a mess. Odin was still too sick to get involved and Loki, making decisions in his name, attempted to sell the circus to Laufey. He failed, but Thor had no idea why his brother would do it. He only managed to have a short conversation with father, that explained just the major issues, before Loki jumped on him with accusations. Thor tried to calm him down, even followed him to his trailer, but in vain. Loki pulled out his leather traveling case and started packing furiously.

‘I won't let you run away now.’

‘Are you going to force me to stay then? Do it against my will? You're like your father, complete disregard for other people's autonomy.’

‘That's not what I meant. Stay for me. We are family, we grew up together…’

‘Haven't you heard? We are not family.’

‘You're overreacting.’

Loki immediately stood still with one of his shirts in hand, in the middle of folding it. He looked at Thor like he just said the most outrageous thing and threw his shirt at him in anger.

‘Overreacting?! You have no idea how I feel! And you are a part of the problem!’

‘Loki...’

‘Don’t Loki me now! Get out. I’ll handle myself. You can focus on being the circus manager and that girl when I'm gone.’

‘How do you know about Jane?’

 ‘Heimdall knew what you were doing there. He has friends, eyes everywhere. He told us. Odin required.’

‘Anyway, it has nothing to do with you.’

Loki closed the case, took it and moved to exit, but Thor was still standing in his way.

‘I think it has a lot to do with me. Now, move out of my way.’

‘No.’

‘Don't make me hurt you.’

‘You're hurting me right now.’

Loki pushed on Thor’s chest, quite hard, but with his posture trying to move him was like rushing a lazy mule, so he pushed his fingers under Thor’s ribs, quick and hard, like a stab and a jolt of pain made him let down his guard. Loki then tried to go past him, but got caught around the waist and pulled close. He didn't let Thor give him a kiss and pulled out the last resort.

‘You're disgusting. I only thought I loved you when I didn't know any better.’

Loki saw Thor’s immediate shock. He didn't want to say something so hurtful, but it was an only way of freeing himself from his arms.

He left and most people were relieved at first. Heimdall still made an effort to pull his strings and provide information about his whereabouts, but after two or three months Loki started to become more elusive until he completely fell off the radar. Thor, Frigga and even Odin started to get progressively worried. There were rumors forming about his presumed death at that point, so Thor made a conscious decision to find him and bring him back. He felt like him leaving was his fault.

Thor found Loki after another month somewhere in the south, under arrest. He bailed him out and managed to convince the judge, that house arrest will be the best idea, so he could take him away. It was all very sketchy, but nobody really cared if only the problem got solved.

Loki looked like a wreck and it wasn't a stretch of imagination to assume he’s been taken advantage of by someone judging by his reaction to Thor touching his arm. He jumped up ready to defend himself. He didn't relax, even seeing Thor’s face. He was angrier and on the verge of a mental breakdown, which for Loki meant making a spectacle out of himself and pointless violence. He loudly protested to requests to go back home. Thor didn't give up and rented a hotel room for them nearby and made Loki stay with him for at least a night, to talk.

It was still relatively early when they arrived, still hours before the sun goes down. Thor even bought Loki cigarettes. He looked even more miserable when smoking, but he always did it in a very elegant way, just like their mother. They were sitting on the beds, opposite to each other. Loki started talking when Thor promised him a sandwich and fries.

‘I was aimlessly wandering around. At first my tricks sufficed to bring me some money, but not enough for a place to stay sometimes so I tried to make… friends. People always want something in exchange for their ‘good will’. I met a guy, who never actually gave me his name, he promised me a small fortune if I help him with stealing something important to him. I didn't succeed as you can tell.’

‘You are not telling me the whole story. You look horrible, who did this to you?’

‘Nobody. It doesn't matter.’

 ‘It does matter to me.’

‘I will not talk about it.’

Thor sighed and got up.

‘I'm going to get you that food, wait here.’

Loki put out the cigarette in the ashtray on the nightstand and got up as well, which alarmed Thor slightly, but his adopted brother walked past him to the attached bathroom and lingered leaning against the doorframe for a moment as if to reassure him he’s not running away.

‘I’ll take a shower if you don't mind. The stench of the cell is unbearable.’

 When Thor came back he left the sandwiches and drinks on the tiny table by the wall. He didn't see Loki, so he peeked into the bathroom through the slit in not completely closed door. He was there, still naked, drying his hair with a towel. Thor immediately turned away, but curiosity got better of him and looked again. Loki was build like any other man at first glance, he was overall very slim, but had a little bit of roundness to his form that softened his frame. Thor could not stop staring, but Loki moved like he was about to catch him on it, scaring him away. He almost tripped backing off.

Thor was pretending to wait patiently on the bed when Loki exited the bathroom in the large hotel towel wrapped around his waist. He looked less miserable, but it was hard to tell what was the difference. He stood in the middle of the room awkwardly.

‘I can't dress back into the dirty clothes. All mine are like this.’

Thor a bit too eagerly got up to reach into his own suitcase and find clean shirt and pants for him. Loki accepted them with silent gratitude, but didn't dress up immediately. He sat on the edge of the other bed and touched the fabric of the borrowed clothes. They smelled like home, like Thor.

‘I missed you, Loki. I missed my brother.’

Loki looked at him with obvious sadness, but when he spoke he made himself sound like joking.

‘Look at you, you big sentimental bear. You can't live without me, can you?’

Thor didn’t comment on how in the situation Loki was in it seemed like it's actually him who can't live on his own. He really wanted to be mad at him for risking his own life and lives of other people, but it was more difficult than expected.

‘I suppose. I hope you are aware how much you mean to me. We lived through a lot together. When everything else turns out to be a lie, it stays. I shouldn't have let you go. Even after what you said.’

Through Loki’s face passed a few distinctive emotions in rapid succession, surprise, fear and shame.

‘I left, because I felt trapped there. I always wanted more. You wouldn't change my mind. It wasn’t in your ability.’

‘I thought you hated me.’

Loki clicked his tongue and moved to sit right next to Thor leaving the clothes on the other bed. He took Thor’s hand into both of his own, which were not cold, but definitely cooler, and kissed it. Thor tried to hug him, embraced him with his free hand and noticed how cold the rest of Loki’s skin was getting. He pulled him closer, but it was uncomfortable in their position, so he moved to face Loki with his whole body and accidentally fell on top of him. Loki jumped when he got elbowed in the ribs by Thor, groaned, but started laughing.

‘You big oaf.’

Thor whispered sorry, but flopped onto Loki completely, like when they were children and wrestled each other. It was his winning tactic, Loki always would start yelling he’s getting crushed, but not this time. Instead he petted Thor’s long hair and hummed.

‘You're actually very warm, I like it. Stay like this for a moment.’

‘No, let's just put you under the covers, you’ll be warmer.’

‘Lay down with me then.’

‘Do you really want to?’

Loki suddenly moved like he wanted to get up, so Thor rolled off him and sat up, allowing it. Loki held the towel with his hand, because it unwrapped and would fall off if he didn't, and with the second he scooped the borrowed clothes and moved to go and dress up in the bathroom, but his hand was caught by Thor. He did it mindlessly, but stopped Loki in his tracks, who stood in front of him, expressionless.

 ‘I just wanted to dress up not to lie down with you naked.’

Thor stared at him, seemingly surprised by his own action, but Loki didn't try to break free, so it gave Thor courage to talk.

‘I'm sorry for the way I reacted that day when we…’

 ‘It won't happen again, so it doesn't matter.’

‘I don’t want you to feel bad, because of me…’

‘Just stop.’

‘Are you ashamed?’

‘Shouldn't I be?’

‘No. You shouldn't.’

Loki couldn't answer. He felt petrified. Until Thor’s hand eased off his wrist. Loki could tell how awkward he feels and stood like that for a while longer, before he just let the towel and the clothes drop to the floor. He looked at Thor, waiting for him to say something. It was supposed to embarrass him, mock him, but Thor still stared at his face, never glancing down, challenging him. Nothing was left of Loki’s triumphant indifference. He had to look away himself. Thor reached out and caressed his thigh in a comforting manner. Loki inhaled sharply and instinctively wanted to step away, but controlled that reflex and looked back at Thor, focused and hard to read. Thor pinched playfully the underside of his buttock, but it didn't make Loki relax, quite the opposite, so Thor took his hand away. Any chances of making this situation less tense came to nothing.

‘I'm not going to dress up then,’ said Loki threateningly.

 ‘I don't care.’

Thor got up to get the covers from under him and invited Loki, who at this point had goosebumps, to get under, then he followed him and wrapped his arm around him. Loki didn't want to show how touch starved he was, but pressed his back to Thor’s warm, shirt clad chest and they cuddled for a moment until Loki’s stomach audibly growled. Thor left the bed for a moment and just brought the sandwiches and the drinks to bed without saying a word, making his brother eat.

 ‘Where are the fries?’

‘They didn't have the fries. Please, give me a break.’

‘Alright, alright, I'm joking.’

 Loki ate taking big bites and quicker than usual. When he finished his sandwiches and his drink as well he dropped into the pillow with a dreamy look on his face, like he was about to fall into a food coma. Thor couldn't help, but smile.

They were laying like that for quite a while, almost falling asleep, but not completely, and Thor felt the smell of Loki’s drying hair, felt his body close and it never was sexual in the past, when they were young, until that kiss by the fire, that started the whole mess. Thor felt guilty and even though he still wanted Loki, he got serious doubts. He wished for Loki to turn out not to be his brother for long, it was like a miracle, making his desire not as creepy as it used to be, but he knew it was just a happy coincidence. The truth was he desired a man, a man, that was his own brother, his brother with unusual body. Their official status as biological strangers didn't matter. As if reading his mind, Loki whispered.

‘You can't take it back.’

‘I shouldn't have ever kissed you in the first place.’

‘Why? Maybe it's how destiny works.’

‘You never believed in destiny.’

‘I might have started. I believe, that what has been broken remains broken. It will never be the same. You can't fix us by being polite. Because even if I come back to the circus with you we will never be the same. So why bother?’

‘I'm not strong enough to be without you.’

‘That's a new thing. The strongman not being strong enough…’

‘I'm serious. Don't leave again, brother.’

‘I'm not really your brother. You know that.’

‘You know it doesn't matter. I still love you.’

‘You love me as your brother, which I am not. It does matter to me.’

‘If you want me to kiss you…’

Loki sat up abruptly, frustrated.

‘Do you want to kiss me? Do you?’

‘I… can't.’

‘Is it because I'm not your brother? I'm not exciting any more when we don’t share blood? Or is it because of what I am? Maybe I disgust you too much?’

‘Don't say things like that.’

‘Isn't it true?’

‘No. Stop it.’

Thor sat up as well, turning his back to Loki, angry and confused with himself. Loki kneeled next to him and caressed his arm. Almost as if taunting him, but was too gentle to perceive it that way. Thor looked at him when he felt his shirt getting pulled off his shoulder and a kiss placed there on his skin. It was more sensual, than sweet. Both of them could feel the tension rising again. Pent up frustration and raw sexual attraction. Loki practically draped himself over Thor’s arm and brought his lips to his ear to slowly whisper.

‘Prove me wrong then.’

Thor snapped and pushed Loki down to get on top of him. He pinned him down and kissed deeply, almost splitting his lip with the force of it, but Loki was too excited to care, it turned him on all the more. He tried to get his hands under Thor’s shirt, but Thor stopped him, like he just realized he broke his own rule.

‘No… not like this. Let's slow down…’

Loki violently pushed him off, disappointed, even angrier, than he was before. He tried to get out of bed to the other one, but was caught, around his arms and waist, Thor successfully locking him in a strong embrace and his wiggling and kicking couldn't help.

‘What the fuck do you want, Loki?! What game are you playing with me, huh?!’

Thor felt his brother stopped trying to escape, started shaking and crying, so he let go and he turned back around towards Thor, who hugged him again. Loki hit him a few times, but Thor knew it wasn't nearly as hard as he could hit, just an expression of helplessness and petted his hair and neck. Loki hid his face between his shoulder and neck. He eventually stopped sobbing and moving, just heaved a sigh and kept breathing loudly.

‘I just want you to love me.’

 ‘I do love you.’

‘I know.’

Loki couldn’t tell his brother in a moment like this, that he really did not feel it enough. In Loki’s mind, Thor loved him, because he never had a choice. He loved him, because that was right and if they weren't growing up together, Thor would not love him at all, ever. He felt loved not out of choice, but out of duty. He became just a shadow on the edges of Thor’s vision and he would do anything to make him focus on him again. To make Thor see him not as a concept of a distancing sibling, but as something more, something else, anything else. When they were kissing he knew it was just primal desire, but it was pulling Thor back to him and he didn't want to lose it.

Thor knew that despite being silent, his brother is far from being calm inside of his head. Loki was always overthinking everything, searching for tricks where there were none just because he was a trickster himself and couldn't fathom how others might be honest and simple, but he oversimplified his own brother. Thor could tell Loki doesn't understand him. For Loki everything was black or white, he was the first to put himself and everyone he knew in a set of labeled boxes and blame others for it.

 ‘You are tired, Loki. We both are. It's affecting our moods.’

‘Whatever.’

Thor made Loki look him in the eyes caressing his cheek.

‘I just don't want to lose control over myself.’

‘You don't need to always be in control. You can let go.’

‘I wouldn't be myself if I let go.’

‘And that's your problem.’

Thor sighed. They slept in one bed that night and Thor hoped it means they will go home together.

 In the morning Loki was gone, together with borrowed clothes, and when Thor asked about him by the hotel desk he heard, that indeed, a black haired man went out and left him a message. The message written in Loki’s neat little handwriting read ‘Never doubt that I love you… brother. PS I took some of your money, I hope you don't mind.’

Thor checked his wallet, which was nearly empty. He could come back home, but he had a hunch, that Loki wants to finish his business. Plus, he had legal obligation not to let Loki do anything stupid. He had to call Heimdall, for him to pull his strings and help him out. He got in contact with sheriff and local self-made law-enforcing individuals, who kept their towns at peace. It turned out Loki got involved in a bank robbery, as the mastermind, but locals were much smarter than anticipated. Loki came out of it without getting caught red handed, but everyone knew it was him. The whole ordeal was a complete bloody mess, a terrible disaster. Thor forced him to come back to the circus, keeping an eye on him at all times.

They nearly didn't talk. When they had to sleep on the way he would get two rooms and literally close Loki up, taking away his key. A day before they caught up with the circus they stayed in a tiny motel for the night. Thor came into Loki's room and observed him laying in his clothes on the bed, all lights on and curtains drawn.

‘If you came to poke fun at me better get out.’

‘Easy, brother. I came to talk.’

‘We had enough talking the last time we were together in a room.’

 ‘Maybe, but I deserve some explanation. You have no idea how I felt when you left me in the morning with just a message on a piece of paper and practically no money. You could at least be sorry.’

‘You could be sorry for dragging me back here, but I'm not complaining.’

‘What are you doing now if not complaining?’

‘…you got me there. Doesn't change the facts. You knew I don't want to come back.’

Thor moved closer and sat on the edge of the bed, which sank significantly. Loki cautiously moved his legs, especially bare feet, away from him, and gave him a murderous look.

‘This bed is uncomfortable and you make it worse.’

Thor reached out and pulled Loki’s feet into his lap and started giving him a massage, but even though Loki allowed it, he didn't hide his disapproval, clicking his tongue and looking away. It felt good, Thor’s strong hands were warm, but it was quite an intimate physical contact and it was the last thing he needed.

‘I'm not your enemy, Loki. You need to calm down.’

‘I am calm.’

‘You know I mean in a broader sense. I don’t want to lose you because of your stupid decisions. You used to be much more reasonable.’

 ‘And you used to be a lot less.’

‘We don't have to be always polar opposites. And it's unrealistic to assume we are.’

‘It's true, we could both meet in the middle… Compromise… Only it would make us only halfway happy.’

‘Halfway happy doesn't sound too bad.’

Thor smiled when he pressed exactly the right spot on Loki’s foot making him involuntarily sigh and murmur. It was a lovely sight, Loki laying there, with closed eyes, pretending not to, but obviously, enjoying the pleasure and Thor caught himself imagining the same response in an even more intimate context and automatically stopped. Loki lifted his head and propped himself up on his elbows.

‘What is it? You froze.’

‘I'm sorry... I really should probably leave you alone for now.’

‘First you come here to bother me and then you want to immediately leave. That’s rude. Stay.’

It was an order, not a suggestion. Thor didn't have to obey, but subconsciously he wanted to. He continued his massage, but moved from feet, to ankles and calves, pushing up the leg of Loki’s pants up. After a while Loki laid back down and spoke again, lazily, almost joking.

‘If you plan on doing it to my thighs, you’ll have to take off my pants.’

Thor picked up the cheeky vibe.

‘You want me to, huh?’

‘Don't you?’

‘Maybe…’

‘Stop giving me hope, you bad man.’

They both smiled, but the smile faded quickly.

‘We could compromise on it.’

Loki snarled, but Thor reached to his clothed thighs and put his hands on both sides, caressing gently. Loki didn't react until those hands sneaked to make him slightly open his legs. He immediately smacked them away.

‘Don't be cruel.’

‘Cruel? I thought I’m being generous.’

‘To be generous you would actually have to surrender and give up control. And that touching is meant to disarm me, not you, so it's cruel.’

Thor sighed and out of spite crawled onto the bed next to Loki and embraced him. He expected another fight, but it didn't happen. He searched out Loki’s hand and took it into his. It was cold as always. Loki twisted his head to the side to look at him.

‘I might have cold skin, but I never actually feel it. It's just my body can keep a lower temperature, cold doesn't bother me, but I always liked when you warmed me up anyways. Even though for me you are hot as a furnace.’

The way Loki said it sounded like a confession and Thor for a moment tried to remember every time he held his brother’s hands or hugged him, but there were too many moments over the years. Moments when Loki knowingly allowed him to be touched. When Thor actually thought about it, Loki always craved his touch and only ever complained when it was a joke or he thought it was insincere.

‘I know.’

‘Do you?’

‘Yeah. I thought you might tolerate cold, but you don't enjoy it. You like heat.’

‘I don't hate it.’

Thor didn't even notice they both were whispering, but he didn’t want anyone else to hear them anyway.

‘Can I sleep with you tonight?’

‘Why?’

‘I want to.’

 ‘Maybe I don't.’

 ‘That's why I'm asking. So, can I?’

‘Why don't you want to sleep in your own room?’

Loki saw his brother’s face closing in and felt his lips on his own. Thor kissed him not out of curiosity or physical desire, but how he really wanted him to, pouring into it all his feelings he couldn't express any other way. Loki didn't pull him closer or try to convince him to keep going, he enjoyed the moment while it lasted. Thor still held his hand.

‘I thought about you and me, Loki. I am terrified. I envy you that certainty.’

Loki smiled to him benevolently.

‘I am certain…’

The sentence had an unspoken ‘but’ at the end.

‘You are scared as well.’

‘It would not be smart to be too confident.’

Thor chuckled.

‘I guess so.’

Loki’s hand slipped from Thor’s and landed on his cheek, with a little bit of force, like a smack to the face, but a gentle caress followed.

‘Considering your question. The answer is no.’

Thor was too surprised to react except for saying a dumbfounded ‘what’.

‘Don't get me wrong, I would love to have you here. It's just, that I'm very angry with you.’

Thor grabbed Loki’s wrist and moved his hand away from his face, but didn't let go of it.

‘You are cruel.’

‘Maybe.’

‘Will you let me stay if I admit I…?’

‘Probably. But I know you, and your pride.’

Completely defeated, Thor let go and got up from the bed. He walked across the small room a few times like a lion circling his prey, waiting for a moment of weakness, but Loki looked indifferent, yet alert and that was the most vicious of his attacks.

‘Either walk out or undress me, make your choice.’

Thor walked up to the door in haste, but glanced at Loki once again and instead of walking out closed the door and turned off the lights. Only one lamp next to the bed was still on. To Loki he looked terrifying in that moment, angry, disappointed and ready to rip him to pieces, so he curled into a ball instinctively. Thor grabbed his legs and pulled him down to the edge of the bed to slide off his pants and accidentally took of his underwear as well, but didn't even pay much attention at first, too busy taking off his shirt. Loki was completely naked in a matter of minutes, he didn't even have time to protest. He didn't close his legs fast enough and Thor was already sitting somehow between them, not aware he did that. He placed his hands on Loki’s thighs and kneaded at them gently, mindlessly, looking at him. Loki was visibly startled, a bit stunned by the sudden actions, sitting in front of Thor with his hands grasping the sheets behind him.

‘You scared me.’

‘Yes. I'm sorry.’

‘I wasn't talking literally.’

‘Weren't you though?’

Loki threw an only pillow from the bed at Thor. He blocked it and it landed on the floor.

‘Hey!’

‘I still haven't allowed you to sleep with me.’

Thor didn't answer, just looked up and down Loki’s body, making him suddenly feel too exposed. He tried to maneuver his legs not to be in such a compromising position, but Thor was too much in the way and he sighed, knowing what Loki’s doing.

‘I told you, you shouldn't be ashamed. Stop kicking me. You had it coming, sunshine.’

‘Call me that one more time and I’ll cut your stupid tongue off.’

Thor in an impulse got on top of Loki. and licked his cheek to annoy him, but it actually had a completely different effect, making Loki lay down submissively and stare at him with huge eyes, unmoving beneath him. Only after a moment Thor realized it wasn’t just the lick, but how they were aligned, because Loki had him right between his legs, the cock in his pants nudging at him. Suddenly they became completely serious, neither playful nor aggressive. Thor caressing his cheek and temple, Loki’s hair, black locks scattered around his head on the sheets, like a crown. He thought about his beauty, sharp lines of his jaw, lips, nose, but also prominent cheekbones, that look good on everyone regardless of sex, and eyes, that actually softened his entire visage if he wasn't trying to scare you off. Loki was looking back at him, his train of thought similar, admiring.

It was only natural that they ended up kissing again.

Thor’s mind went blank. He couldn't think about the morality of his situation. This inevitably made them aroused, but Thor wasn't sure what he should do, he was overwhelmed, he didn’t think it will come to this. For a moment he wanted to stop once more, but Loki took his hand and lead it between his legs inviting him to experiment. It broke something in Thor, knowing how much trust he was given.

First Thor just stroked Loki’s penis, smaller than his, but definitely functional, which earned him a tiny moan. It was what he knew, the easy part. Then his fingers slid below out of curiosity. Loki became still, observing Thor closely.

‘I'm not going to hurt you.’

‘It's not what I'm worried about.’

‘If you don’t want me touching you there…’

‘I do! But do you want to…?’

Thor stroked the underside of his penis and then moved his fingers down, right between folds of skin and to the hot, slightly wet space between them. Loki was visibly ashamed.

‘So you wanted me so much and now you are coy?’

Loki hit him on the arm and Thor leaned down to capture his lips again, to reassure him it's fine. They both were more nervous than ever, but hid their faces in the crook of the other's neck. Thor could feel the warmth coming from the little hole and pressed the tip of his finger to it. He examined it, the skin around it, the folds, the ass further below and the penis again. Thor just started to pleasure Loki, testing how his body works, leaving tiny kisses and bites on his jaw and neck. They both were very silent and didn’t look at each others’ faces any more, focused purely on the sensations, but it was clear Loki’s breath became much heavier. He clung to Thor, his hands on his back and shoulder, tips of fingers getting white digging into the skin through the shirt. Loki whispered something Thor didn't get at first, but then his mind caught up. Loki wanted to feel him inside.

‘I tried it before, it's possible.’

Thor felt a wave of heat washing over him and almost choked in surprise, but the penis inside of his pants moved.

‘You did it to yourself?’

‘Many times. Even back in the circus.’

Thor gasped. He was still uncertain, but Loki touched his wrist reassuringly, so he started to push one finger inside. He knew he should have expected the heat and wetness having been with women before, but still was surprised. He held his breath for a moment, Loki noticed and chuckled, dragging his own fingers down to Thor’s hand and caressing it.

‘Fascinating, isn't it?’, he joked, trying to hide his nervousness.

He felt Thor’s hardening penis through his pants, on his thigh and the finger inside of him moving. Loki kept caressing his hand when Thor entered the second finger into him and slowly fucked him with them, looking for ways to make Loki’s breath hitch and when he found it he kept doing it, his wrist sliding along his penis. Loki let go off his hand and once again clung to his arm.

The room was silent spare for Loki’s breath and wet sounds. He only moaned louder when he came and to Thor it sounded like a cry of discomfort, but was followed by satisfied hums. He removed his hand from Loki’s private parts, propped himself up on his elbow and looked at it. He forgot how dark the room actually was until he did that. He could still see how his fingers glistened in the scarce light of the lamp. Then he looked down at Loki, who took his hand into his, not caring about the dirtiness, and brought it to his lips, kissing his knuckles gently in a shy gesture of gratitude.

It was clear Thor was a bit stunned, disconnected from the situation, he felt like waking up from a dream.

‘Hey… Thor, are you ok?,’ asked Loki gently, but worried, with a hint of panic in his voice.

‘Sorry. I got a bit… it's a lot to process.’

Loki fought his own sleepiness and awkwardness to drag Thor into the bathroom where they washed off the little bit of Loki’s come off. The bright light in there created a completely different atmosphere, one without shame, because everything was visible, and somehow seemed clean even if it wasn't. Thor for a moment pondered if he should undress, but Loki made the decision for him, taking off his shirt and unbuttoning his pants. He looked into Thor’s eyes standing close to him and really for the first time being able to study his bare skin and muscles with his hands. Thor’s hard-on was almost dead by the time he got out of the pants, but he still saw Loki’s jaw drop a bit and involuntarily smiled. There were no more secrets between them, at least considering their physical aspects and he found comfort in that thought. Before they left the bathroom and went to sleep in Loki’s bed, Thor hugged him once more.

‘You put a spell on me. I think I’m yours now. Brother.’

It was equally an expression of devotion and a complaint.

Thor fell asleep almost instantly, that's how his organism dealt with stress, shutting down. Loki, on the other hand, couldn't sleep at all. He thought about sneaking out and running away once again, but having Thor for himself was tempting, even though he would have to endure living the way someone else tells him to. He didn't want to become a prisoner of Odin.

He sneaked out of the bed and searched for the key he thought might be in Thor’s packet somewhere, but didn't find it. He searched every place it could be in and didn't realize Thor is awake and observes him.

‘It's under the mattress. On my side. I won't give it to you, so come back here and try to sleep.’

‘Why did you hide it?’

‘Why did you look for it?’

‘I don't want to go there.’

‘And I need to keep you safe.’

Loki laid back down in bed, but passive aggressively hogged the blankets.

They were treating each other with distance the next day. Eating breakfast in the hotel's small dining room neither of them spoke a word, but from their body language was rather telling. At one point their fingers touched over the table and Thor tried to reach further for his brother’s hand, but Loki moved it away quickly, although he looked at him with longing.

When they arrived in circus probably only Frigga was genuinely glad to see Loki. Everyone else had mixed feelings. Odin required to talk with him alone in his tent. He sat in his favorite armchair, but Loki stood in front of him with his arms crossed.

‘Did you have a nice trip?’

‘You could say so.... Thor dragged me here against my will, but you know… the last hotel was actually nice. I had a pretty stimulating conversation with my not-brother, you know, the usual.’

Loki smirked, keeping to himself the details.

‘Thor blamed himself, that you left.’

‘You should have told him it's you I actually blame. You don’t let me leave, you don't let me decide. I'm just your pet.’

‘I gave you food, shelter, family… and that's how you pay me for it? You think I would care so much about someone if they were only a pet to me? My fault is that I spoiled you. You had everything you wanted, such an ungrateful child.’

‘Oh yes, I had everything. Apart from the truth. I was afraid to let anyone near me for years, because I couldn't quite understand why am I the way I am. Children eventually notice when they are different. They always do.’

‘Don't you understand? There is so many worse things than could happen to you.’

Odin made a distinct pause and sighed. ‘You will not perform until I change my mind. You can't leave the camp. I don’t think you understand how your actions affect our reputation. I told everyone to keep an eye on you. You are one of us and it's my job to keep you in check. And you’ll be sharing the trailer with Heimdall.’

* * *

 

tbc.

 


End file.
